Explosive Journalism - Opinion Columns by Michael Giardina

Now that you've driven to the blighted and downgraded Sacramento, I'm sure you're nervous about your new toy options. Luckily you don't need to jump straight to the Rambone, because sex-toy manufacturers have stepping-stone toys reminiscent of the childhood ones you're used to. Don't believe me?

Ladies, perhaps you'll enjoy the Hello Kitty vibrator from Sanrio. No joke. This personal massager features your favorite little feline to ease your ... nerves.

Not into pussy cats? Perhaps you'd prefer a little yellow bathtub buddy? No problem. "I Rub My Ducky" looks as gentle as Rubber Ducky did, but with a battery, this naughty duck shivers like a Chihuahua in a snowstorm.

Perhaps this Christmas you'll enjoy the finger snowman, "decorated like a frosty friend to warm you up." I'm not sure how this frosty gadget is supposed to warm, but I'll take their word for it. There's even a vibrating Harry Potter broomstick that can take you to new heights.

Once you're a veteran, you can move on to more ominous toys like "Naughty Gnome", "Big Indian" ,and "Heart Breaker II?" Or the world-famous "Rabbit."

There's just one problem: all these toys are for women. What about men? Don't we qualify as patrons of all things sex? Beer commercials sure seem to think so. Being the down and dirty columnist I am, I decided to investigate.

Dear 2Pac, save me. These aren't toys; they're prison accessories. Let's start with "The Ring." Gasp. Did you think this was a ring slipping over a finger? Wrong. For the sake of innocent ears, imagine your jewels as two quail eggs tied to a sausage and hung from the Eiffel Tower. Turned on yet?

Or perhaps you'd like "The Extender?" Give me a break. This doesn't even qualify as a male's toy. You supposedly increase her pleasure by eliminating yours. Congratulations, you now qualify as a portable toy.

Similar to The Extender, you may be tempted by "The Wider." Now you look like something that came out of the secret kitchen of The Hotdogger. Ask if she likes relish.

I'm not even going to go into "The Zing" or "The Plug." I guarantee you won't find these in my ... closet.

What's wrong with the adult male sex toy industry? Women claim we're too easy to please, so these companies should find easy access to our cash, yet there have only been two earnest attempts (Japanese Styrofoam in a can doesn't count).

The "RealDoll" was a valiant attempt, but overkill. This custom silicon doll comes with an articulated skeleton. You can define toenail color, eyeliner, everything. They cost $6,499. The first female toy was 49 cents. Ask Lamar about cucumbers at Safeway. Side note: After RealDoll became famous, "RealHamster" showed itself as a strong competitor. Yes, itis what you think it is.

The "FleshLight," perhaps the only serious and economical attempt at the male toy, is a flashlight with a variety of inserts. The inventor supposedly spent millions researching materials that mimic human skin. Seriously... Who is likely to spend millions on a fake cherry?

Well, I am. I just don't have a million dollars... if I did, I'd call my masterpiece "The Hamsteroid Penisphere."